So you run into this really nice guy as you look for a relationship on Christian dating sites. The first thing you notice in meeting him is how interested he really seems in you. He takes the time to ask how you are and responds thoughtfully if you mention anything emotional. Then you start to look for him because it’s nice to have such a good friend at work where everything else sucks.
Even if the details vary, every instance of dating married guys starts with your emotional response to him. He doesn’t really have to be good-looking, just responsive. What happens next is launching yourself into a world of self-deception. For example, let’s define “married.” It is the divorce is not final. That’s it.
Here is what some phrases you might be told actually mean. “It’s all over with her.” She doesn’t know this and he’s still living at home. “I don’t have sex with her.” I have sex with her whenever I want to. And yes, “she doesn’t understand me.” I want sex 3 times a day, oh, and enthusiasm, too. “I’ve never known sex could be this good.” You are knocking yourself out with new lingerie and locations and inventiveness, and while he notices, he still thinks it’s only about his experience.
If you date a married man, you will encounter these events: Secret meetings only, because he doesn’t want her to find out until the time is right. The right time may well mean until after their toddler gets a graduate degree. Lonely holidays because he has to spend time with his family. Attendance at events where she is on his arm. A kid gets sick (kids get sick a lot), and your special birthday or anniversary celebration with him doesn’t happen. You are not supposed to complain. If you do, you get self-righteousness: “You know I love my kids.” They will always come first.
You hang in there with the dating married relationship because the sex is great. It has elements of secrecy so it’s even more intense. You spend all your time pining for him, wondering why the phone doesn’t ring; willing it to ring. You two together talk about what the future together will be like, in Technicolor. You can see it and feel it. He can end it and does. He may go back to the wife. He may have found somebody newer than you and wants to try her because you’ve brought him to a new plateau, and who knows whether another plateau awaits, and gee, it’s a shame it’s not going to be with you.
You may end it because you’ve finally decided there’s no future in dating married men. After all, you’ve been off the market for a long time. You’ll feel deceived, sad, and not as good as anybody else. There is sadness with broken dreams, but that never crosses your mind at the beginning. It will take you a while to get over it, but you will, and you will go on. You are sadder but wiser, and maybe with eyes open enough to be able to see the single good men out there.